All Aboard

A man was riding the train to an important dinner one night when he realized he'd boarded the wrong train, this was the express that would only slow down at his stop. Desperated not to miss his appointment, when the train neared the town he wanted to go to, stood in the doorway and leaped out as the train passed through the station. He hit the ground running and before he could stop himself a conductor standing in a passing car grabbed his collar and pulled him back onto the train. He said "You're lucky I saw you, don't you know this train doesn't stop here?"

The Electic Slide

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his walkman.

Flipping the Bird

A loving son sent his mother a very expensive talking bird that had been specially trained to quote her favorite passages from the bible. When he later asked her what she thought of the bird, she replied "Delicious!"

The Horny Haircut

As an attractive young hairdresser was about to lock up for the evening a sweaty little man knocked and asked her if he could please get a quick trim. She reluctantly obliged and quickly began to trim his hair. As she was finishing up she noticed that under the covering she'd put on him to catch the hair, his hands were moving up and down in his lap. Outraged, she grabbed a large curling iron from the shelf and knocked him unconscious. She called the police and when they arrived they asked what the man had done that had caused her to attack him, she told them, "Just look under the sheet!" The officer pulled the sheet away and said: "Lady, there's no law against a man polishing his eyeglasses!"

The Jogger's Wallet

A man was jogging along one day when another jogger bumped him lightly and excused himself. Already annoyed, the man noticed that his wallet was missing and took off after the jogging pickpocket. He quickly caught up to and tackled him, yelling "Give me that wallet!" The frightened pickpocket gave it up and ran off. When the man returned home his wife asked him if he'd stopped at the store, anxious to tell his tale he said "No, but I have a good excuse!" His wife replied: "I know, you left your wallet on the dresser."

The Mechanic

A woman returns home to discover some hairy legs sticking out from under the car. Thinking her husband has decided to fix the car, she reaches up his leg and gives his privates a bit of a fondle. On entering the kitchen she discovers her husband there as well. Turning very red she rushes back out to the car to find the mechanic unconscious under the car after hitting his head when surprised by her actions. -Thanks to N & A Kavanagh

The Misunderstood Note

A witness at a trial was too embarrassed to repeat the obscenity the defendant had suggested to her, so the judge suggested she write it down, and let the jury read it. The woman did as she was asked, and the note was handed to the jury. The judge told them to each read it carefully and pass it along. The last man in the jury box had fallen asleep, and the young lady next to him woke him and handed it to him. He stared at it in surprise for a couple minutes, then began to fold it up. The judge asked him to please hand the note to the bailiff and the juror replied, "Your honor, this note is a private matter between the lady and myself."