All Apologies

A man making a late-night stop at a convenience store came out and found his car had been stolen. The next day the owner of the convenience store calls him and tells him to come back right away. When he gets there he finds his car is back in the exact space it had been stolen from, on the dash in a note that says "Sorry for any inconvenience, my wife was having a baby and I had to take her to the hospital." Relieved but annoyed, the man phones the police to tell them then returns home. When he gets there he finds that everything in his home has been stolen. On the table is a note that says, "Sorry for any inconvenience, but I have to put my kids through college, don't I?"

Thanks to Fallen Angel for this one

Beam Me Up, Scotty

An amateur pilot was arrested in the UK for flying under Tower Bridge in London. When contacted by the Air Traffic Controllers he identified himself as Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. When he was asked if he wanted to say anything on his own behalf before the judge passed sentence, he pretended his wallet was a Star Trek communicator, whistled, and said "Beam me up Scotty, I'm in the shit."

Gnome Come Home

A lady looked out her window one morning to discover her lawn gnomes were missing. She called the police and they came and looked around, but told her not to expect much. A few days later she got a postcard in the mail from Hawaii that read: "We decided to take a vacation. Having a wonderful time, wish you were here. The Gnomes." Two weeks later she answered the doorbell to find the gnomes standing on the porch.

Good Neighbors

A young couple moved into a part of town where most of their neighbors were of Italian descent. One day they came home and found they had been robbed. They went to ask their neighbor, an older Italian man, if he'd seen anything. He told them he didn't, but not to call the police yet. He seemed to know what he was talking about, and they didn't want to offend him, so they decided to wait until evening to report it. A couple hours later there was a knock at the door, and all of their stolen belongings were sitting neatly at the steps.

The Jogger's Billfold

A man was jogging through the park one day when another jogger lightly bumped him and excused himself. A little annoyed, the jogger noticed his wallet was missing. He immediately began chasing the jogging pickpocket and when he caught up he tackled him yelling "Give me that billfold!" The frightened robber obliged and quickly ran off. When the jogger got home his wife asked if he'd stopped at the store. Anxious to tell his story he said he hadn't, but he had a good excuse. Before he finished his wife said: "I know, you left your billfold on the dresser."

The Kidney Heist

Three young men were spending the weekend partying in a popular tourist-town in Mexico. One of the men left the bar with an attractive lady, saying he'd see the guys the next day. The next evening the other men began to worry about their friend, and went to his room to check on him. After breaking in they found him on the bed, unconscious and bleeding. They found a fresh surgical closure on his back and called for an ambulance. At the hospital they were shocked to discover one of his kidneys had been removed.

This one takes place in alot of towns, mostly in South America, but sometimes as close as New York. The doctor sometimes comments that it happens all the time, they sell the organs on the black market.

The Kind Stranger

An older man who never learned to read or write met a stranger in a bar one afternoon. After about two hours the stranger asked his new friend if he could do him a favour. He wanted him to go to the betting shop across the road and put some money on a horse that was running that afternoon. When the man explained he was illiterate and he couldn't write out a docket the stranger said it was ok as he already had one written out. So the man went to the betting shop and handed in the docket.When the teller took the docket from him and read it she screamed help and dived on the ground. The man was standing at the counter bewildered when all of a sudden five regular customers from the betting shop set upon him and began to beat him. Then the police were called and the man was arrested.When he asked why he was being arrested when he was the one that was attacked and they told him it was for attempted robbery and he could expect a long spell in prison.When he asked how they had come to that conclusion they read the docket to him which read "This is a robbery i have a gun, give me all the money". When he explained about the stranger the police checked it out but no one could be found fitting that description in the bar. -Submitted by Terence Cahill

License to Practice

A young woman was waiting for her husband outside a restaurant one evening in a popular Mexican tourist-town when a police officer mistook her for a prostitute. Just as he finished writing up her fine her husband arrived and found out what was going on. The policeman said he was sorry, but they'd have to pay the fine or appear in court. Not wanting alot of trouble, the man simply bought his wife a license to practice prostitution in the city, and they were on their way.

The Lie Detector

Some Policemen were interrogating an unintelligent but particularly stubborn suspect one day when one of them had a bright idea. He wheeled in a copy machine with a metal mixing-bowl wired to it, and said "If you're telling the truth, you won't mind taking a little lie-detector test." Worried, but seeing no alternative but giving it a try, the suspect agreed. Each time the suspect gave an answer that was obviously a lie, the policeman made a copy of the sheet he'd already put in the copier that said: "LIE". Realizing he couldn't fool the machine, the criminal eventually gave in, confessing and telling the officers all they needed to know.

This one was done in an episode of NYPD Blue and Homicide: Life on the Street.

The Perfume Salesman

A woman in a mall parking-lot was approached by someone trying to sell an expensive bottle of perfume for only eight dollars. The salesperson insisted she smell the perfume and she did. A couple hours later she awakened to find her car and all of her belongings had been taken, the bottle had been filled with ether! - Thanks to Lynne Drumm

The Smuggler's Baby

Drug smuggler's often use hollowed-out dead babies to smuggle drugs across the border. -Thanks to Courtney Mathis

State Police Don't Have Balls

As a young woman was being written a citation for speeding she asked the police officer if she couldn't just buy a couple of tickets to the policeman's ball instead. The policeman replied, "I'm sorry Miss, state policemen don't have balls." The troopers face turned red, he tore up the ticket and drove away.

The Toothbrushes

Young honeymooners at a popular vacation spot returned to their room one evening to find that it had been robbed. Everything in the room was stolen except for their toothbrushes and camera. Knowing that the honeymoon was more important than anything that had been taken, they used credit cards to replace the stolen items, and went on about enjoying themselves. A couple weeks after their return they got their photos back and sat down to look through them together. They were enjoying their photos until they got to the one that was taken in the hotel room of a large hairy man with their toothbrushes stuck in his rear-end.

The Two Hitchhikers

A salesman driving along the highway one day saw a hitcher and decided picking him up would be a good way to relieve his boredom. After he did, he immediatley regretted it, the man was large and menacing, and his questions about the salesman's business quickly made him nervous. Ahead he saw another hitchhiker and decided his best bet was to pick this one up too, especially since this one was well dressed and very clean-cut. As soon as the second hitcher got in the back seat he pointed a gun at the two men in the front and demanded their valuables. The front-seat passenger swung his arm back and smashed the robber in the head with his elbow, knocking him unconscious. Before the salesman could even say anything, the large man took the gun and all the unconscious robbers possessions and pushed him back out of the car. As he turned to the salesman, gun in hand, the salesman begged him not to hurt him, he'd do whatever the large man wanted. The large hitchhiker said: "Relax buddy, I'm not gonna rob you, it's my day off."

Licking the Envelope

A woman licked an envelope in a local post office and cut her tongue, after several days the place where she'd been cut began to swell. She started to get nervous and went to see a doctor. The doctor cut open the swelled area and a cockroach climbed out, there had been eggs on the envelope she had licked! -From Margaret

The Wheelbarrows

A man who worked in a large factory was stopped on his way out every night as he wheeled out a wheelbarrow full of straw. Each night the suspicious security guard would sift through the straw to make sure the employee wasn't stealing, each night he found nothing but straw. Years later the man was retiring and as he left the guard said that he knew he was stealing something all these years, what was it. The retiree answered "wheelbarrows."

Who Threw the Ham?

A large woman was shoplifting at a grocery store when a ham fell out of her overcoat. She looked around indignantly and yelled, "Alright, who threw a ham at me?"